I have a pretty intense post planned for the 20th (International day against Transphobia and Homophobia), but for now, I’d like to post something that I’ve kept in the wings and thought everyone should read.
If you read stumblingoverchaos.com, you’ll see that there’s a linkity every Friday–great posts, food ideas etc that lead to some eye opening articles, some funny, some sad, some moving. A few weeks ago, I came across this post that talked about a woman who was approached by a “white man” in the park. Another man, also white, started to berate the author of the post about how she singled out “white men”. It wasn’t the post that caught my attention, nor was his comment, it was another commenter who responded to the man. Here is what she said and I thought it should give everyone food for thought because it was so eloquent and so articulate.
Just a heads-up, but when someone explains that white men use power in ways that make them uncomfortable, the correct reaction is not “what’s wrong with you”. You’ve been super defensive here, while forgetting what I consider to be the number-one rule when talking to a minority about their experiences with prejudice: assume that they understand the situation better than you do, because they’re the ones who live it.
I am a white cis-woman, and I tend not to notice the subtler forms of trans*phobia out there. A lot of my friends who are trans* will point it out. My initial reaction is to be uncomfortable — I feel weird that I missed it, and I knee-jerk want to go “maybe you’re overreacting, maybe they didn’t mean it, maybe you’re hypersensitive”. But you know what? I don’t ever have to deal with the shit that trans* people have to, so of course I’m not hyper-aware of it. They are, because they have to deal with it every day. So I shut my mouth and assume that they know better because it’s part of their daily experience. For-ever, probably.
> You’re a white dude, so this ingrained cultural attitude towards women, and especially women of colour, is probably not something you’re going to notice. Why should you? It doesn’t affect you. You’re not going to be looking for it. So this is your time to take a step back, go “people who have to deal with this probably have real experiences and feelings about it, I’m not going to invalidate their experiences”, and resolve to be more attentive in the future. Period.
This doesn’t mean you can’t join in discourse about these issues, but it means that you have to stop approaching the experiences of a minority with skepticism and defensiveness. I know why you want to be defensive; I hate the idea that the group that I belong to can be so unconsciously privileged and hurtful. But the fact is, as a member of privileged group, you don’t get to experience being a victim of that privilege. Asking questions in order to understand somebody else’s experience better is fine. But saying “you just hang out with the wrong white dudes!” is not. It blames the victim in a society where we already do that way too much.”
Yes, on the 20th I have plenty of swag to give away–The details will be posted on the May 20th blog post. In support of the gay community, I am buying one lucky winner a t-shirt from the HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN. I suggest this one-as it’s my favorite:
Two other winners will get the m/m novel or gay fiction of their choice. Any novel, it doesn’t have to be mine. I have to limit the amount to $10 on these.
If you do choose my novel, you can also get it in paperback and I’ll sign it and send it to you (This is probably the lamest award of them all–but hey, my sister-in-law made me sign books. It gave me a big head).
I’ll have a new post every day in honor of the fight against homophobia. Hope to see you here.
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60 comments
Erica Pike
Thought I’d already commented. Just wanted to thank you for taking part, Dani 🙂
Penumbra
Thanks for participating in this hop. I’m enjoying all the great blog posts.
penumbrareads(at)gmail(dot)com
Lena Grey
Thanks for your post. I’ve not read any of your books yet, but I hope to sometime soon in the future.
lena.grey.iam@gmail:disqus .com
K-lee Klein
Thank you for taking part in the hop, Dani, and for sharing this post.
*hugs*
K-lee Klein
http://www.chaosinthemoonlight.blogspot.ca/2012/05/hop-against-homophobia-blog-post.html
Ceagles48218
Thanks for sharing that with us.
Also loved Shattered Glass.
Chris
ceagles48218@yahoo.com
Dani Alexander
Really glad you stopped by. Thanks so much for reading Shattered Glass. It’s awesome you liked it! <3
Sarah S
Interesting post Dani
Looking forward to Shatterproof 😀
Sarah S
Dani Alexander
Thanks for stopping by Sarah =) Hope you enjoy Darryl’s story when it comes out!
Forettarose
Thanks for participating in the hop. This is
a great cause that I pray one day will not be needed.
forettarose@yahoo.com
NJ Nielsen
Thank you for taking part in this hop and for sharing your wonderful post with is all.
normanielsen@bigpond.com
Pomma
Love the post, and I am one of those people who just doesn’t understand the bigotry and homophobia. I just don’t get it.
I love and support my brothers and sisters in their life and happiness. It’s way past time to get over the bias and gender bashing and those that keep this on going hate machine need to get over themselves already…your old world beliefs are just that…old and selfish.
Loved your book Shattered as it’s one of the finest books I’ve read so far this year. ..*S*
Darcy
pommawolf @hotmail.com
Dani Alexander
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful comment. And my love for all the kind words about Shattered Glass <3
Louise
I’m really enjoying visiting blogs for the hop. I think I got to only 20 or so today though.
Dani Alexander
There’s a LOT of blogs LOL 20 is a fair number!
Kassandra Appel
Always love seeing your thoughts Dani 😉 Hope to be able to keep up with all of the blogs on this wonderful hop!
sionedkla@gmail.com
Dani Alexander
Hope you can too, Kassandra. There’s so many good posts out there. So many good messages. Thanks for stopping by and reading =)
Nancy
Thanks for sharing an insightful post. Will try to make it back for the “big” one.
Dani Alexander
Glad you enjoyed the post, Nancy =) Hope to see you again.
Sandra Rush
Hey Dani, thanks for sharing this very interesting post with us. If only we were all color blind/gender blind there wouldn’t be all the name calling/finger pointing discords we face today. By the way, I loved Shattered Glass!
Sandra Rush
taina1959@yahoo.com
http://enchantedrosegarden.blogspot.com
Dani Alexander
Thanks for stopping by and MANY thousands of thanks for the nice comment about Shattered Glass <3!
Let's hope that people overcome their visual perceptions and look past all that to the heart and souls of others!
A. M. Burns
Great Post. More people need to step up and say something, and not be so stuck in the idea of normal. Let folks who are different live their own lives.
andy@amburns.com
Dani Alexander
Absolutely! Thanks, Andy, if only we could count on people to be as sensible as you!
StacieD
Well said! I’m not sure what has to happen for people to just get over their own feelings of discomfort. Let everyone live their lives and stop meddling! Stop judging people that don’t fit into your strict mold of what is “normal”.
geishasmom73 AT yahoo DOT com
Dani Alexander
You and me both, Stacie. I don’t get it at all. It does make you wonder why people are so invested in teh private lives of others who they don’t know oO
Ashley E
That’s a pretty inspiring comment. Sometimes it is hard to see the other side of things. I’ll definitely be back to read your post on the 20th!
ashley.vanburen[at]gmail[dot]com
Dani Alexander
Thanks, Ashley! =) Appreciate you stopping by.
Sarah Kalaitzidis
Alright that t-shirt is so damn awesome!! I should get it for the next gay pride parade they have here XD
Dani Alexander
I hear it’s great to wear at Pride =D. It’s really soft too. =)
Madison Madison
Thanks for sharing, Dani. On a side note, I own that t-shirt! It’s one of my favorites. It’s made of super soft cotton, too. 🙂
madison1729@gmail.com
Dani Alexander
o/ It is SUPER soft and it makes me feel good to wear it.
Thank you for stopping by! =)
Katey
Yes, yes, yes. Having your privilege called out is not a comfortable experience, sure, but a necessary and ultimately awesome one. What a wonderful response to a knee-jerk that is!
Dani Alexander
Totally agree, Katey! The more people who speak on the subject, the more others gain an understanding.
Thank you for replying =).
Julia Prater
thank you for sharing this, great post 🙂
juliebites@gmail.com
Dani Alexander
Appreciate you reading it and replying =)
Linda
Thank you for being part of this blog. I love the T shirt.
Dani Alexander
Thank you for reading and stopping by, Linda. It’s a great t-shirt! Mine is worn out haha.
Carnell
Amazing post Dani, as always. I’ll try to be here the next few days because I want to read everything you will post. (I happen to go in vacay and I will be computerless for one week *sigh*)
And so you know, if I happen to win, the best prize to me, too, would be SG in paperback signed by you, of course. Don’t even doubt that. (I reread it this week and it was even better the second time around).
Thank you Dani 🙂
Dani Alexander
*blush* Thanks so much, Carnell. I dunno ow you’re going to live without a computer! Do you at least have a tablet you can bring along?
Carnell
Yes I have a tablet (only wifi and not sure the internet will work there), a smartphone (but I never succeed to post on blogs from it!) and hopefully a kindle to read more M/M books 😉
Dannyfiredragon
Hi Dani,
thanks for joining the blog hop and for the posting
Dani Alexander
Really glad you stopped by =) And happy to be part of something so worthwhile.
kerry @ musings of a bookworm
this is a great post and just so you know a signed book is a great prize I am very proud of the one’s I have won that are signed!!
musings-of-a-bookworm@hotmail.co.uk
Dani Alexander
Thanks Kerry! It’s still really embarrassing to offer it haha. Appreciate the confidence booster, though. My book is a great prize! >.> (If I keep saying it, it has to ring true to me eventually. Right? LOL)
DarkM
Thanks for this post Dani 🙂
Dani Alexander
Glad you enjoyed it, Meg =) *hugs*
Gisu29
Thanks for sharing.
Dani Alexander
=) Thanks for reading! <3
Andrea Grendahl
That’s a great post, thank you for sharing it. It’s something a lot of us probably inherently know but the poster said it so well that it made me pause and think about it. I love reading things like that!
andreagrendahl AT gmail DOT com
Dani Alexander
Appreciate you coming by, Andrea. I agree with you. It’s the way she said it and her precise wording that makes it so incredible. When they talk about the power of the written word, they mean someone who writes like that commenter.
Tina Adamski
Thanks Dani for joining this great cause!
Dani Alexander
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Tina =)
Dani Alexander
y’all can read more of her responses here:
http://fiction-theory.livejournal.com/217720.html
She continues to be articulate and calm in the face of a very self-righteous man.
M-C. Houle
The commenter’s respond sum up what I wanted to write on my post… But I couldn’t say it better…
contact at mchoule dot com
Dani Alexander
Yes, exactly. It’s that he put so many of our thoughts into succinct powerful words. =)
Yvette Ganoe
Thank you for sharing the post. I had missed this one at Stumbling.
Yvette
yratpatrol@aol.com
Dani Alexander
I think she’s pretty amazing actually.
Jeayci
I saw that post, and that comment. I’m glad you’re sharing it here to draw more attention to it; it’s important (not that I need to tell you that!). Even being really close to people belonging to discriminated-against minorities, I’ve noticed that although I’ve become more aware, I’m still never as aware as they are. I think there’s a certain extent to which, if you don’t live it, you simply can’t get it no matter how much you care.
Dani Alexander
When I asked her if I could quote her, she wrote me the nicest most humble email back. This is someone I’d vote into office. She seems to have an inherent sense of people and an empathy that’s so incredible to read because it’s written so beautifully.
ChaoticChris
I probably spend too much money in the HRC Shop, and at their Pride booth. But, dammit, it’s for a good cause.
Dani Alexander
HRC is as dangerous to my wallet as Amazon. I’ve learned to stay away and just have them take money from my account monthly. That way I don’t see the pain as it happens. +D