I am not one of those people at all comfortable in telling people about their personal problems. But I think, in this case, I’m going to have to mention it just to allay some of the fear that comes from what I’m going to say. I need a few days away from blogs and comments and things, so I’m going to retreat into my shell and see if I can’t gain some self-esteem back.
When I first made my author blog site, it was to be my ‘coming out’. It was really passive-aggressive, but, at the time, it felt like the only way to let friends and family (who I sent the link to my site) about me. It was a little cowardly, but it got a dialogue going. I used the word “genderqueer” to soften the news, telling them I wasn’t feeling as if I wanted to identify as female or male, even while at the time I knew I was trans. How did I know that? Because I was researching ftm surgery and reading up about testosterone injections.
It was a very freeing moment and I can’t say the utter relief and joy when the first person called me “he”. Someone on Goodreads even said “boy” when referring to me. It was an exhilarating moment I won’t forget.
But with the good also comes the bad. And the bad for me is questioning myself all over again. I don’t want to do that.
I read something today that sent me backwards, into a place which I thought I had prepared myself to avoid returning. I was wrong. And I’m deathly afraid that I’ll spiral back into that total denial of self if I read much more about what makes a man, a man. And what doesn’t.
When I understood that I was trans, one of the first things I decided was that I wouldn’t let a pronoun define me. Pronouns, much like “fag” and “queer” and “dyke” etc, are used a lot in order to hurt gays, lesbians and transgendered people. I decided I wouldn’t let anyone have that power over me. But there were also cases of people feeling bad because they used the wrong pronoun. Anyone that knows me knows I can’t stand the thought of someone feeling hurt or uncomfortable because of me. So no matter what anyone said, I knew who I was. But somehow, even though I’m positive this person never intended the hurt, I have been.
Right now I feel like I can get past it, if i just give myself a few days and not read anything that triggers me again. So if I’m not active, if I don’t respond, know that I’m flagging your comments and emails so that I can respond to them when I feel “okay” again, and that I”m not ignoring anyone.
Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up better tomorrow. I have a great support system, so it’s entirely possible. I’m going to go wake up the hubby and make him console me like he did when I got that first negative review 🙂
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14 comments
Vanillalatte88
Dani, sorry, that was Noah’s twitter – his blog is http://noahnomad.tumblr.com/
Vanillalatte88
Dani, I just discovered you the day before yesterday, when I purchased Shattered Glass on amazon.com. I read it so quickly – staying up until 3:30 am the first night, when I just had to put it down about 2/3rds of the way through. I finished it last night and I can honestly tell you I have not been as affected by a single work of literature in a very long time. I read a LOT, and a lot of M/M fiction, so I believe I know quality when I read it. This book totally blew me away. Most M/M fiction I read is mostly sex, with very little plot. Even the ones with a decent plot seem to wrap themselves up really quickly into happily-ever-after without a satisfying story arc. Your story took me everywhere and back, made my heart pound, my head think, and my special places tingle. 😉 Your characters are so beautifully flawed, the perfect blend of physical beauty and attraction and inner strength and conflict. The drama and action were aweseome, the sex was great, although compared to a lot I read, there wasn’t nearly as much sex as I’m used to – but it was perfect. I logged back in this morning, hoping to find a huge list of your books to choose from to read next, hoping hoping hoping the continuation of Cai’s story would be there (he sounds absolutely delicious by the way) and I am not so sure I can wait much longer for you to release Not So Innocent!!! I need it TODAY! lol Anyway, what I’m hoping to convey to you is your work is spectacular, and I can’t wait to read more of it.
Now, I could have commented under a different post, but this one truly spoke to me. I have a couple of very dear transfriends, and although I can’t truly say “I know what you’re going through,” I have friends who are working through these same thoughts and feelings. I am going to give you a link to a great blog from someone I met recently: http://twitter.com/#!/@NoahTheNomad Noah is a transman, trans youth mentor, and speaker in the BGLT community. He is so incredibly awesome, and you might enjoy his blog, as well as communicating with him. He’s very open and friendly, and I know he will have words to help you with your feelings. His wife is MtF trans, and they are absolutely adorable together.
Wishing you much continued success! I can’t wait to read more about Cai! And holy Jesus, what is this Shatterproof??? Please do tell… xoxoxo
Dani Alexander
Omg Vanilla, I sometimes hate Disqus because it doesn’t send me the full list of replies. I just now saw this reply on my WordPress dashboard. I’m so very sorry that I didn’t reply.
Thank you so very much for your kind words and wow what an amazing thing to say about my book! I’m relatively stunned and so very appreciative that you came here and basically rocked my world with this comment! I”m really sorry that Not So Innocent isn’t read yet. I promise I’m working on it! Quickly (but not too quickly =D I’m a little too anal about editing). You really blew me away with this comment and I can’t even express how much it means to me to hear someone like you both love my book and be a vocal advocate for your friend and trans people =)
I said thank you? I’ll say it again. And just in case you don’t get the reply to this, I”m going to send it in email form. I hope that doesn’t seem too stalkerish. I apologize in advnce if so.
I’ve also added noah to my twitter =) and his blog to my feed. That’s another debt I owe you <3
carnell
Hi Dani, I also saw all this mess and I really wanted to find the right words yesterday night when I was starring at my computer for a while to show you my support, but I’m not that good with words. I’m glad to see you’re back, it probably means you’re feeling better. I hope. *hugs*
Dani Alexander
Thanks, Carnell =) I’m that person who feels there aren’t really wrong words or right words, just heartfelt ones and yours have that in spades. I appreciate the support and, yeah, I’m feeling better, but more importantly, I’m feeling like hiding in my shell wasn’t working, it was only making me agonize. So back into the world I go and I’ll take whatever comes knowing I have great people like you and everyone else who sent all the right words to me.
carnell
Me again. For some reasons I don’t succeed to post on your post today over at C&D. So I’m going to post it here (hope that’s okay, I’ll try later though):
“When I see all the enthusiasm you put in this post through your words to talk about writing and how to become a better writer, I have no doubt that you are going to have a lot of success Dani.
I loved Shattered Glass and I cannot wait to read more books from you. :)”
Patricia
Hi Dani, I saw your comment on the blog along w/ all the other comments, and as I lay in bed last night I realized I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were put through this pain. I’m sorry to every other man and woman who saw the blog posts and read the arguments and where hurt because instead of understanding and caring, there was only bickering and fighting. One of my besties is doing the same as you. He read the initial article and is taking time himself because of how he was made to feel, because no one seemed to notice or care how he was made to feel. I hope you get past this and because I can be quite paranoid (and a spaz) I hope this doesn’t trigger you or anything. *hugs* Now, I’m off to check out your books. =)
Dani Alexander
Patricia, thank you so much for your support and the incredibly kind and thoughtful words. I think there’s emotion on both sides and I can sit back and see that no one intends to be mean or ignorant. I do know that much, so while it’s hard to take, it’s easier to work through it when I step into both shoes and try to work out what to say and how to feel.
I’m terribly sorry for your friend. That’s the dangers of folks like me, we’re so quiet and we usually just read and not respond. If not for people like you and the others standing up for us, it’d be a helluva lot harder to work through this. As it is, seeing the people who completely GET IT makes it a lot easier. So thank you so much for your support. Your friend is very lucky to have you. And I feel luckier just knowing you’re out there.
ChaoticChris
*hugs* You take good care of you.
Dani Alexander
Thanks, Chris. Hugs are always such mood lifters =D <3
Traytray357
Stay strong Dani, I’m going to quote one of Snoop dogs songs.Yes I said Snoop! He states so eleoquently “I don’t love them hoes”. Meaning pay no attention to those who do not care, love and/or respect you! Now all I say is, what Snoop say? My dauhters answer . U dont love them hoes.
Dani Alexander
Wow, that’s actually pretty deep. =) Thank you. I haven’t really listened to Snoop Dog, but I love the poetry of that thought (the meaning is kinda awesome).
Barb
Well Dani my heart goes out to you angel, lots of cyber hugs and love!! you are sensational, you are funny, you are talented, you are friendly, you give great smilies >8) …. you are YOU!! which is all kinds of awesome xoxox
Dani Alexander
=D Thanks Barb. I answered a comment on GR from you, so I’ll leave it at that and just send hugs right back at you from this comment. <3