I’ve tried for days to move past my emotional reaction to things that have happened recently in the m/m community. I’ve thought a lot about feelings and how anger bubbles forth and breaks down communications. Rather than write in anger, I thought I’d post a story of my own humiliation. It is not a good story. It probably won’t cast me in a good light. But it is an event that stayed with me, something I can never change and never make right. Something that altered my outlook 180 degrees on how I talk to people. As you’ll see, I wasn’t even young enough to use the perils of youth excuse. There was no excuse for my behavior.
In Denver there’s a huge movie complex (or there used to be) where the parking lots were built underground. I think there are 3-4 decks of parking underneath. The elevator there is slower than molasses. I mean 30 seconds between each floor kind of slow. Possibly they built that thing to be sturdy and safe, but whatever they did, it is at least a 4-minute ride to the top floor.
My ex-husband, for this story I’ll call him Derek, and I parked our car on P2–parking level 2. At the time I was 29 and he was 21(iirc) and both of us very caught up in each other, making goo-goo eyes, being ridiculous for that 30 seconds to P1-parking level 1. At that point a man in a Rascal (mobile wheelchair) came on, as well as another young couple. In my usual attempt to start a conversation, I said the following, “Wow thats pretty cool. How can i get one of those?”
The man, whose face is indelibly imprinted in my head, turned to me, his eyes jittering with anger, his voice loud. “Jump off the top of the building and if you don’t die, you’ll probably get one of these.” I can’t even describe the absolute hatred he had for me at that moment. It screamed off him in the spittle on his beard and the wrinkles around his eyes.
Everyone in the elevator seemed to stiffen. My face heated. I drew back, indignant denial just ready to be spouted about how it was an innocent comment. But then I concentrated on this man in the 30 seconds to the next floor.
Sit and wait 30 seconds. It doesn’t seem that long when I write those words, but just sit for 30 seconds. Imagine now, your husband/wife/partner/friend and another couple fidgeting nervously next to you.
In that 30 seconds I realized how fucking awful my words had been. How flippant and how disgusting they were. Whether I meant to be horrible or not is not an excuse. I hurt him. I was cruel.
What I should have done next, what I regret forever not doing, was apologize. Heartily. But the elevator doors opened and he jerked a little button and off he went. I never got to say sorry. What came next, and the only redeeming moment of this whole thing, was what I finally said when the doors closed again. In that final 30 seconds of elevator ride, Derek and the couple next to us breathed out and chuckled. “What a jackass,” Derek said. The other couple laughed again. “No,” I said. “He was right.” Derek was just trying to defend me, to make me feel better. But I didn’t deserve it and that man didn’t deserve to have his anger diminished.
In the end, I did something right. A small thing. I don’t pat myself on the back. I can never take back those words to that man. He is still out there, hopefully having forgotten a young man’s awful, terrible words to him. I can’t fix it, but I can learn from it. Since that day, I’ve always been afraid of what I’d say to someone. I’m overly deferential. Yes, sometimes even sounding like I’m kowtowing/brownnosing or being overly contrite. I say thank you way too much. I’m quick to apologize. But that’s okay with me. I’m okay with being conciliatory or deferential. I’d much rather be that than ever be cruel again. Even by accident.
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16 comments
Paisley Girl
huh – I think you learned a life lesson at 29 that some people don’t ever learn.
Perspective taking can be pretty painful. I am not talking about taking the perspective of one’s past actions, I mean the perspective taking of how we sound to others – seeing your words or actions in the eyes of others. Some people think they have a license to say or do whatever just because their intent isn’t hurtful, or maybe it is and they just don’t care. Some people are just oblivious, and some people’s brains are just not wired to think in that manner. But none of that matters when you find yourself on the receiving end. In my perfect world we would all be kind whether we intend to or not, life is just too short to be unkind without malice.
Dani Alexander
It was a good lesson, yes, exactly that. The best lesson I could have had. There were times in my life, before this, when I would speak without thinking. I still do that, but, for the most part, I try and hold my tongue until my anger is gone and I can sit in the other person’s chair and read what they will see.
Thanks for the comment, Paisley =).
carnell
After reading this story, I want you to know that I don’t think less of you Dani. I truly believe you wanted to be funny but sometimes words can hurt. He probably had a hard time accepting his situation, that’s why he reacted this way. I have been a few times on the other side, hearing people saying hurtful things to me when I was young (and I know they didn’t think they were being hurtful) and I can tell you that those words have completely changed the way I am today. I’m glad you shared this story with us and that this “experience” has led you to be the amazing man you are today. *hugs*
Dani Alexander
Thanks, Carnell, that means a lot <3. I think he might have accepted his situation, but I also think he was sick of ignorant people like me. I can't blame him one bit.
I"m sorry you had to suffer through cruelty. I wish I could take that away from you and all the young people who go through it. My heart goes out to you. Especially when it made you a better person and not a bitter person. Those of us who were bullied can often turn out to be bulliers. =) (bulliers? Is that a word? LOL)
carnell
Oh, no I was not bullied. It was more words said by people during family dinner to make people laugh. But at 9 it’s not funny, it’s hurtful. At that time, I was an outgoing girl but after that, I didn’t dare to speak and I became the introvert woman I am now. *sigh*
I think it’s bullies, not bulliers. Not that I really know, I’m french but I have checked. 🙂
Dani Alexander
Nothing wrong with being introverted =) It’s usually a reflection of a deep thinker.
French! That is my favorite language. It does seem the French are bullied a lot though. Don’t you think? LOL
carnell
Yeah, nothing wrong, unless it prevents from having a social life. *sigh*
Yes they are and actually, I must admit that I like doing that myself 😛 (My parents are from Portugal and I have a hard time with the chauvinism and egocentrism of most of the french people)
Dani Alexander
LOL It’s bad when the French start bullying the French!
PS: WHo needs a social life when there’s the internet? Haha
Z Allora
I agree with your ex. He was being a dick…I don’t care if he was in a chair or not. I worked with individuals with both mental and physical disabilities… and some of them were dicks. A disability is not an excuse for bad behavior. He knew what you meant… to purposefully make you feel bad=sucky bad behavior. I can only hope you will let it go because you are clearly a good person who wouldn’t try to make someone feel bad. Maybe sharing it will help you release it back to the universe. Hugs, Z.
Dani Alexander
Z, I didn’t think he was being a “dick” at all. It was me who was in the wrong. I was the one who caused him pain. When you step on someone’s foot and they yell, we can’t blame them for yelling. While I appreciate the defense, in this case it’s not warranted.
But I thank you for the hugs and the kind words about releasing my guilt. Maybe one day I will, but for now, I hold onto it to remind me to be nicer/better to people. =)
Z Allora
Dude… if i stepped on your foot, you would yell in pain perhaps but i doubt you would yell at me for being a clumsy oaf… if you consciously said something hurtful than you are a jerk you didn’t he however consciously manipulated you into feeling bad therefore he remains a jerk… hugs, z.
Ladydianaone
That’s how we learn, by our mistakes that haunt us. And that’s how we grow to become better people.
Dani Alexander
Thanks, Ladydianaone, that’s hopefully what everyone gets from this. It’s truly mortifying to share, but I grew from it. I never forgot the event or that man. <3
Nithu
OMG! I sort of laughed when I read that (in a horrified kind of way). I wanted to crawl under the desk and hide on your behalf o_O I dunno, Dani. I reckon you’re a pretty decent human being. You put your foot firmly in your mouth with both hands (Jesus, I’m still shaking my head!) BUT while it was thoughtless and you hurt the chap’s feelings, you were honest about what had happened, and (most important, to my mind) you learned from it and determined not to let something like that happen again. That’s a lot more than many people are brave enough to do.
The poor sod probably still dines out on the story of the thoughtless wanker in the lift.
Dani Alexander
I hope he doesn’t. I hope he forgot me soon after and never remembered it again. I’m glad ~I~ remember though. But yeah, it was a mortifying experience and I deserved the backlash. Sharing it was more painful and more terrifying than I even imagined, but it’s a good thing too.
Thanks for commenting =D And for being mortified on my behalf LOL I’m very good with foot-in-mouth disease. Better since this incident though. Much better.
Nithu
Well, however hard it was to share (and I really admire you’re courage), maybe that is part of owning it, too? We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of, you don’t have a monopoly on it 🙂 I think all any of us can do is own it, learn from it and then draw a line under it and move on as a wiser and kinder person. I hope he’s forgotten it too, because it means that he’s forgiven you. Forgive yourself!