Retreat

I am not one of those people at all comfortable in telling people about their personal problems. But I think, in this case, I’m going to have to mention it just to allay some of the fear that comes from what I’m going to say. I need a few days away from blogs and comments and things, so I’m going to retreat into my shell and see if I can’t gain some self-esteem back.

When I first made my author blog site, it was to be my ‘coming out’. It was really passive-aggressive, but, at the time, it felt like the only way  to let friends and family (who I sent the link to my site) about me. It was a little cowardly, but it got a dialogue going. I used the word “genderqueer” to soften the news, telling them I wasn’t feeling as if I wanted to identify as female or male, even while at the time I knew I was trans. How did I know that? Because I was researching ftm surgery and reading up about testosterone injections.

It was a very freeing moment and I can’t say the utter relief and joy when the first person called me “he”. Someone on Goodreads even said “boy” when referring to me. It was an exhilarating moment I won’t forget.

But with the good also comes the bad. And the bad for me is questioning myself all over again. I don’t want to do that.

I read something today that sent me backwards, into a place which I thought I had prepared myself to avoid returning. I was wrong. And I’m deathly afraid that I’ll spiral back into that total denial of self if I read much more about what makes a man, a man. And what doesn’t.

When I understood that I was trans, one of the first things I decided was that I wouldn’t let a pronoun define me. Pronouns, much like “fag” and “queer” and “dyke” etc,  are used a lot in order to hurt gays, lesbians and transgendered people. I decided I wouldn’t let anyone have that power over me. But there were also cases of people feeling bad because they used the wrong pronoun. Anyone that knows me knows I can’t stand the thought of someone feeling hurt or uncomfortable because of me. So no matter what anyone said, I knew who I was. But somehow, even though I’m positive this person never intended the hurt, I have been.

Right now I feel like I can get past it, if i just give myself a few days and not read anything that triggers me again. So if I’m not active, if I don’t respond, know that I’m flagging your comments and emails so that I can respond to them when I feel “okay” again, and that I”m not ignoring anyone.

Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up better tomorrow. I have a great support system, so it’s entirely possible. I’m going to go wake up the hubby and make him console me like he did when I got that first negative review 🙂